The Stress

OK, it's official. The stress of everything is getting to me. I sat down and made a list of all of the things that I feel I need to do and it is overwhelming. I can feel the stress all in my body. All I want to do is sleep and wake up with "esq." behind my name. I honestly feel that I deserve it. I know way more than those who have passed and would make one hell of a lawyer. I constantly wonder how everyone else put all the stresses aside for 2-3 months and accomplished their goal of passing the bar. What did they do that I'm not doing?

Is some job better than no job?

Well, I made it to the gym last night for the first time in months. It was actually quite refreshing. I still feel guilty for being gone all day at work and then leaving my baby, Noah, at home alone again. Even when no one else is, he's happy to see me.

I also had a telephone interview this morning at a law school for the position of a Development Coordinator. Although it's a 3rd tier law school, it consistently boasts a 97-100% pass rate on the NC bar exam. I figured that would be great since I'm gonna try for the NC bar again in July. Any remote excitement was zapped away when I was told that the starting salary was $25,000. I almost choked. That's less than I made when I took a job as a police telecommunicator (and was living rent free w/ my parents) after failing the bar the first time. I guess my job hunt is still on.

Post-Thanksgiving Ordeal

So, we always spend Thanksgiving with my mom's side of the family, but this year my dad's mom and grandmother decided to invite themselves to the festivities also. My grandmother knows that I don't care for her so we stay out of each other's way. Well, I'm already stressing over the bar, finding a new job, and buying a car. 3 years ago I started on my journey to losing weight. I lost it, and was happy with myself. Now with all of the stresses, I find myself stress eating. I still wear the same size -- 6 -- and am not overweight by any stretch of the imagination. I have noticed I've gained a few pounds though. The thing is that when you have struggled with weight, the last thing you need to hear is someone putting you down. While my great grandmother insisted that I had lost weight and was perfect, my grandmother, whose presence I was in 3 whole times in 3 days, disagreed. She repeatedly felt the need to say that I wasn't skinny and that she didn't know why people kept saying that I was. In fact, that was all she said to me all weekend, except for hello.

This has triggered something in me so today I vowed to go back to the gym and start following Dr. Phil's plan again. I know my boyfriend and mom will be on my case b/c they thought I was too skinny in the first place but it's something I have to do. Losing 6 pounds would be ok, but 10 would be great and lower than I've ever weighed. This is just another obstacle in my way.

Big Lots

My co-worker and I are both in LD relationships and our significant others live in the same city. Well, as I have mentioned before, my co-worker and I get along well because we have similar educational backgrounds and are only 1 year apart in age. So, he just bought a house and his girlfriend just bought a townhouse. Well, while visiting my boyfriend this weekend, I was in Big Lots (a store I can't believe he was in b/c he insists that he is high class and only buys expensive things) sitting down (because I HATE all types of shopping). I look up and who is there? My co-worker and his girlfriend. We caught each others' eye, smirked, and he walked away. He did not want me to meet his girlfriend. So, what did I do? I got up, got my boyfriend and marched right on over to my co-worker and his girlfriend. She looked me up and down wondering who the hell I was. I introduced my boyfriend to them and my co-worker just stood there. So, I introduced myself and told her how much I'd heard about her (to make her feel better). I say all of this for one simple reason. I want to know why guys lie, and why they don't think they're lies will catch up to them.

I get into work today and he said his girlfriend was angry over the meeting because apparently I'm not ugly like he said I was or black like he said I was. I guess she now has reason to be insecure about our relationship. That's a relationship that doesn't exist. I talk to him to pass the time away at work and that's it. I would never call him up because I know she would be mad, and if the shoe were on the other foot, I would be too.

Cranky old bitches

No offense, but today I am pissed off. I work temp. in the legal department at a state-supported institution here in NC. There are 2 attorneys, a secretary, and me -- 3 women and 1 man. The General Counsel is 60-something, single, wears a bad wig, does no work, is in the early stages of alzheimer's, and last week she smelled like fish. The secretary is 44, just got engaged after 6 years, doesn't want children, has her MBA, and is a conniving bitch. The Assistant Legal Counsel graduated the same year I did and is easy to get along with. I don't trust him farther than I can see him though. I make more money than all of them except for the old lady. I drive a better and newer car than all of them. I am skinnier than all of them. That's a recipe for disaster, and disaster struck a month ago when in a fit of jealousy, the secrerary lied on me to the boss. Ever since then, life here has been hell. Today, in my weekly meeting with fish lady, she tells me that she is not going to extend my temporary term. This after she gave me more assignments to finish today. She will not be here next week, and my term expires on the 30th. I wish I would do another drop of work for her. There are so many completed projects that she hasn't even reviewed. So, now in the midst of studying for the bar again and everything else I have to deal with, I now have to search for a new job which likely means I will have to move since job opportunities here are slim to none. By moving, I mean moving back home with mom and dad until I can rent or sell my condo and find a place to live in Raleigh.

On my very last nerve

So, I've been making progress on my studying. Since I received my books 8 or 9 days ago, I've gotten through 4 subjects and am on my 5th. I really know that if I study, I can and will pass this exam. The only problem is my selfish boyfriend. He thinks every problem he has is important, and that I am supposed to solve all of them. It is really making me dislike him A LOT. I know he doesn't fully grasp what studying for the bar is like, but at some point I would think that he would be like "Damn, she has been studying for the past 1 1/2 years. Maybe I should support her so she can pass this test and we can move forward with our lives." That's what any normal person would do. I can't deal with the stress of a needy boyfriend, an LDR, and the bar exam (again) for the next 3 1/2 months. He's supposed to be my boyfriend, not my child. The reason that I don't have children right now is because, at this point in my life, I have neither the time nor patience for them. I'd be a worse parent than Britney Spears -- allegedly is.

BarBri = CHA CHING

Man, oh man, BarBri is a money making machine. I already knew that they were overpriced, but imagine my surprise when I went looking for used Ga. BarBri materials. Fortunately I was able to find a heck of a deal. I got all of the books in good condition (handouts already done) for $475. All in all it cost me less than $500 when you add shipping. So, when the materials arrived, like any student on the first day of class or any dieter on the first day of a diet, I was pumped and ready to go. I opened the book and WHAT?!?! These are the EXACT same handouts I got 1 1/2 years ago when studying for the NC Bar Exam. What a scam! I would have been pissed if I'd paid full price. And why are we paying so much if they're just reproducing the same handouts for every state over several years? How much money do they really need? Multiply (+/-) $2000 x 80,000. Even if every new graduate doesn't take BarBri, we still have repeaters, Attorneys, etc. Either way you cut it, the math turns out the same. It costs too damn much.

NC vs. Ga.

So, I started studying for the bar exam last night!! I started with a topic that I like but have not done well on at the actual bar exam -- Family Law. It's amazing that the handouts for Ga. are only 13 pages. This is much less than the 30-40 page lecture handouts NC gives you. Ga. also has far less topics to familiarize yourself with than NC.

Since it was a slow day, as usual, at work, I tried to study another short topic. I started with PR and then went to Agency. I finally had to close the book b/c I'm noticing that there are some very distinct differences in NC law and Ga. law on these topics. This brings me to my next moment of anxiety. I'm so scared I'm going to start a Ga. essay by saying, "In North Carolina..." I am also fearful of applying NC law to a Ga. question. I just need to re-program my brain and I should be fine -- right?

Study Time

Well, the BarBri materials that I found at an AWESOME price on craigslist arrived today. When I opened the mailbox at lunchtime, I found the the "sorry I missed you" note. Sorry you missed me? Not quite, I hopped in my car and chased the mailman down. For some reason I'm somewhat excited about receiving the materials. I guess it's a new state and a new chance. I just hope my commitment to studying isn't like my current commitment to working out! We'll see... Here's to studying and passing on the first try!

A Jumbled Mess

I'm so stressed out I could cry. I'm at a job that bores me to death. I'm in a city where the only people I know are the few people that stuck around here after graduating 1 1/2 years ago -- and who ALL passed the bar which means I can't bear to face them. I'm ready to get married and start a family, but my boyfriend's not. He's enjoying his bachelorhood -- in a different city. I couldn't even move if I wanted to. First, it's going to be hard finding another legal job that doesn't require "esq." and that pays this well. Second, the dog I got last Christmas, but didn't want and definitely didn't want to take care of (but now love to death) has destroyed my condo. I now have to install all new carpet and 2 windowsills. Oh yeah, he also ate my couch. Did I mention that the lease on my car expires in May, but I will be over the mileage by next month? The other car I've had since I turned 16 just went in the shop which means my money just went down the drain. A girl who had 1 credit card at graduation now has 4 and loans to pay. I could always ask my parents for money, but I feel like I've gotten myself into this state of unhappiness, and I need to be responsible and get myself out of it. I would give everything I have up just to pass the bar and work as a PD or ADA. I'd be poor, but at least I'd be happy.

Ready. Set. Go.

Let me introduce myself.

I graduated from law school in 2006. I signed up to take the bar exam the following July...and February...and July...and now, February 2008. This time I'm going to try a different state. Perhaps I need a change of pace. In reality, I need my life to get settled. I'm the sort of person that gets distracted easily. There are so many other things that I need to do, and if they're not done then my world is falling apart. I really want this. I've been so close and so far. The first time, I didn't study so I didn't expect to pass. The second time, when my life was most at order, I only failed by 4 points -- that's 1 more point on the essays or 2 more points on the MBE. I studied hard and worked full time. This past May I landed a great paying legal job so I worked full time and studied for the bar. I can't afford to not work, but I can't afford not to pass this time. I have 2 other friends who took the exam for the third time in July. One passed and the other did not. Besides them, it feels like I am all alone. This is my outlet as well as my monitor.