Epiphany

So, here I am. It's 9:25 p.m. and I've started studying again. After taking Georgia in February, I'm gearing up for NC (round 4) again. This time, I have a study partner. This, I think, will help based solely upon the theories of accountability and guilt. When I go at it alone and don't feel like studying, I don't. Now, however, if I pull a no-show, I look like a slacker. It'll be interesting to see how this goes. My study partner graduated 3 years ago and has been on a hiatus from the law for that entire time. At least we have a 2 month head start on the BarBri classes. Our goal is to get through every subject once before BarBri begins on May 19. We probably won't, but we're starting with the hardest subjects first, so at least we'll have reviewed/looked at those subjects once before heading to class. I'm going to go to the night class this time. I feel that I still need to work. I got my first unemployment check this week and while it's nice, I'd like to be working. On the other hand, my lease on my car expires in May and I just rented out my condo this week so that frees up a whole lot of money. If I live at home with mom and dad and drive my old car, the only thing I will have to pay is insurance on that car and my student loan each month. That's very doable with my weekly unemployment check. So, I think I just changed my mind. I'll live off of the system, drive my old car, and live with my parents until the bar exam is over! Damn, I better pass.

Law school is not for everyone

I had an interview today and about 2 minutes into it, I could feel my eyes watering. When I got in the car, I just lost it. It was another wasteful day. I go into the temp agency only for them to basically say that I was SOL. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I don't feel like being around anyone. Right now, I am a waste of space and just existing -- not living. On top of that, I confronted my boyfriend about why he accepted his new job and he said he can't wait for me to decide what I'm going to do with my life. That hurt like crazy. Going to law school, for me, seems to have been a mistake. I was much more marketable 5 years ago when I graduated in the top 10% of my class with a Business degree. Now, my debt is astronomical and my work experience minimal yet everyone expects so much out of me. Expectations that I cannot continue to try to live up to unless I want to die an early death. I don't know what to do. I'm too embarrassed to go work at the mall or a restaurant because what if I see someone who knows I'm a law school graduate and a bar exam flunkee. They, like my boyfriend, won't understand why, with my education, I can't get a job.

Ummm...I'm screwed

So, I've exhausted all of my possibilities on craigslist, careerbuilder, yahoo, higheredjobs, chronicle, and monster. I send my resume to temp agencies and they say they have more qualified candidates. How is a high school or college grad more qualified than me? Fortunately, I got a call from Office Team today. They have two legal secretary positions, one is doing transcription and I have to be able to type 75 wpm. They also have a litigation paralegal job (crossing my fingers). I don't know how much it pays but I'm sure it's less than my document review position. I figure I'd have to take the pay cut in order to get experience and possibly a job as an associate should I ever pass the NC Bar. This job requires 1600 billable hours and an 80 caseload <--- don't know what that really means.

As for the document review job, that's a bunch of crap. First of all, other other doc review jobs make at least $35/hr but in NC the highest I've seen is $23 for licensed attorneys and that's in Charlotte. Raleigh only pays $20 licensed or not.

On another note, I am soooooooo pissed off with my boyfriend. First of all, he hasn't given me his car payment for March 2. Second, I come to his apartment today and there is a letter on his door stating that if he didn't pay his rent by 9 am tomorrow that they would file eviction papers with the courthouse. Last week he owed $877, today he owes $933. His rent is only $710. He said he paid the agency $750, but since he never put the electric bill in his name, he now owes that too, and they want all or nothing. For the first time, I can't help him b/c I only have $15 to my name. I don't feel bad but this adds to the stress. I don't understand how he can be so irresponsible with money. I understand that with his new job and gas prices, he has fuel his truck up everyday for the 2 hour-round trip drive and has had to do that for the past 2 weeks without yet getting recompensed, but I cannot accept that as an excuse. This is just adding to my frustration with him. He accepted this new position, which he should have, but it's not in a place that I would ever want to live, and now he's going to have to move again. After 2 1/2 years together, I am so ready to be married or at least engaged. That's not going to happen because we can't even end up in the same city. I told him that this must be a sign from God. I tried to be comical about it, but I was sooooo serious.

On top of that I have to ask my parents for money for my car payment and HOA fees...that after my mom just gave me money for my late NC Bar Application, mortgage on the house I no longer live in, and car & home insurance last week. I won't even ask her to help with the credit card bills that are out of this world. So, what am I going to do? The only thing I knew to do was to file for unemployment. I filed last week but will not get a check until next week. All of that money will go towards paying back my MARCH 1, student loan bill.

I feel screwed. At least I have plenty of time to go to they gym now.

I want my life back

I want my life back. Since taking the Georgia Bar Exam, it has really sunken in that I am miserable. Two years ago, I seemed destined for success. Now, I am living a miserable existence because I DO want to be lawyer. I was googling classmates last night and saw all of the big firms they have worked their way up to already while I'm sitting here unemployed and turned down for paralegal and legal secretary positions. I don't have a Plan B.

My boyfriend who is a college dropout just got a promotion at work and now makes what I was making as a Document Review "Attorney." He told me the other day I was like his 30 y/o brother. The thing is, his brother is a deadbeat who can't hold down a job. My mom said she is tired of me being in my current situation. My dad doesn't even acknowledge the fact that I'm still taking the bar -- or that I even went to law school. I'm miserable. People I know who went to law school after me are now lawyers. I'll be taking the July exam with the class of 2008.

I've found a study partner, but she's been out of school and the legal field for 3 years so I don't know how that's going to work. I guess it'll just make me go to the library. To see her pass and me not would be devastating. July is my last chance, for now. I don't know what I'll do if I failed Ga. and fail NC in July.

Oh, btw, did I mention I totally bombed the MPRE yesterday? Oh well, it's offered 3x/year @ $60. I'd rather have to re-take that than the bar. Actually, I'm pissed that NC's scores are only valid for 2 years. You know you've been at this too long when your scores have expired.

HERE I GO AGAIN

Well, the February Exam is over and no I sit here finidng myself trying to finish the NC application for July (which btw is due tomorrow). Also, I have to take the MPRE again on Saturday since NC scores can only be 2 years old. Sadly, I haven't studied one bit for it which I know I should b/c if I fail, I can't take it again until August and NC's scores will be out before the August MPRE scores.

On another note, I didn't panic that much before or during the exam but find myself panicking a lot now. I just don't know if I have it in me to take another bar exam after this one in July. I pray to God that I passed the one in February and will pass the one in July. Please pray for me.